On this episode of Tony Talks Charles County Crime, State's Attorney Tony Covington talks with DV/CSA Advocate Jill Short about her own experience with domestic violence, ways to help people in abusive situations, combating domestic violence, and more.
For more information on domestic violence, please contact the CCSAO or see the Victim/Witness section of our website for helpful links: http://ccsao.us/victim-family-resources/victim-witness-unit/
To Contact Jill Short:
EMAIL: alwaysavoice@gmail.com
WEBSITE: www.alwaysavoice.com
FACEBOOK: Always a Voice- Support Group for Survivors of Abuse
Center for Abused Persons 24-hour hotline: 301-645-3336.
SAO Information:
Website: https://bit.ly/2FEFilB
Facebook: https://bit.ly/2QWIPOw
Twitter: https://bit.ly/2FwRaHn
On this episode of Tony Talks Charles County Crime, State's Attorney Tony Covington talks with DV/CSA Advocate Jill Short about her own experience with domestic violence, ways to help people in abusive situations, combating domestic violence, and more.
For more information on domestic violence, please contact the CCSAO or see the Victim/Witness section of our website for helpful links: http://ccsao.us/victim-family-resources/victim-witness-unit/
To Contact Jill Short:
EMAIL: alwaysavoice@gmail.com
WEBSITE: www.alwaysavoice.com
FACEBOOK: Always a Voice- Support Group for Survivors of Abuse
Center for Abused Persons 24-hour hotline: 301-645-3336.
SAO Information:
Website: https://bit.ly/2FEFilB
Facebook: https://bit.ly/2QWIPOw
Twitter: https://bit.ly/2FwRaHn
Hello, welcome to Tony Talks Charles County Crime. I'm Tony Covington, State's Attorney for Charles County and the host for this podcast. You know, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and today we have a very special guest who's going to talk about domestic violence and everything that needs to be done to try to combat domestic violence. Her name is Jill Short. She is an advocate for domestic violence victims, she's a survivor herself, and she's going to share her story with us. Most importantly though, she's going to talk to us about what we need to do to stamp out domestic violence once and for all. So Jill, thank you for being here. It's a pleasure having you here.
Jill Short:It's an honor to be here today.
Tony Covington:Please tell us about, uh, why it is that you are so dedicated to trying to combat domestic violence.
Jill Short:Yeah. So my story is what brings me to have the voice that I have and it's a very important thing because our story is what makes us who we are. It's not our identity. However, the things that we've gone through become it, it is our identity and it's what we do with it that's important. The story that I have, I do have domestic violence in my, in my past, and that is the reason behind what I do.
Tony Covington:Well, for those folks out there who may not understand the definition of domestic violence, when we talk about domestic violence, what are we talking about?
Jill Short:Domestic violence actually means any type of physical, financial or emotional abuse that happens within a home.
Tony Covington:Okay.
Jill Short:Between a relationship between a man and woman, a woman and a woman, a man and a man, it doesn't matter. Domestic violence happens to women 85 percent of the time, 15 percent of the time, men.
Tony Covington:And how prevalent is- I know as a prosecutor, and I've been doing this for about 30 years or so, and the percentage of domestic violence cases has really remained steady over the, the decades that I've been doing this. About 25 percent of the criminal cases that come through this county, but basically everywhere, are domestic violence cases. What about how prevalent is it in society? Because that's, of course, just those cases that are charged.
Jill Short:It is so much more prevalent in society than we even whatever know. It's, I believe, classified what I call is an invisible disability. It's no different than other disabilities that people have. We have obviously people that are in a wheelchair, we can tell that they're disabled, but there are people that have so many- We all, we have issues going on in our lives and it's invisible. Our culture makes it to where it's, it's almost, um, it's just something that people have a hard time coming out and explaining to others.
Tony Covington:Well, you know, that kind of leads me to where I wanted to go here. I mean, before we start talking about solutions on this thing, how do people get into or find themselves in an abusive situation? And then I guess the next question is why do they stay?
Jill Short:Yes. Those are the two main questions that I have dealt with. Those are the main questions that actually made me look at my own life and was the reason why I did get out of my situation. I believe that an answer the question why and how do people get into a domestic violence situation- because it's not something that a little girl or a young man grows up- that's not their, their goal in life. They don't say, someday I want to end up in a domestic violence situation. I believe that people bring so many components, so many factors with them in their life. We have our cultural upbringing. We have our religious upbringing. We have things called ACES, which I have come to very much appreciate. ACE stands for adverse childhood experiences and we all bring with us our own set of aces. All of us. There is not a person alive that makes it to adulthood, that has not had one or more, some type of childhood adverse experience, which includes death. It includes, um, um, abuse from siblings. It, it includes abuse from parents, um, trauma, parents losing a job. All of these things. And all of these factors, we bring them with us and we enter a relationship. If we have had childhood abuse, it makes us so much more at risk to be in a relationship. If we have low self-esteem, if we have other issues that we haven't dealt with, it puts us at risk.
Tony Covington:And I assume that, obviously the modeling, if you're a child and you see domestic violence between mom and dad-
Jill Short:Absolutely.
Tony Covington:I'd assume you'd be more susceptible to ending up in that situation yourself because you think it's the norm.
Jill Short:Absolutely. And that's what I'm saying. We're bringing with us this package, this, this huge backpack that we bring to our lives. Not only do the victims of domestic violence bring that backpack, but the perpetrators and the abusers bring it too. That's where we get into the situation that we're in. We're not growing up as, you know, here we are and we go and we get married or we have a relationship. We are putting ourselves together with another human being, making a family or relationship with somebody that also has their own bag of ACES and their own culture beliefs, their own religious beliefs. And we're making this relationship. And we find ourselves basically in a slow cooker because, you know, so, so answering this question, you know, bringing up how do we get there? That's exactly how we get there. We fall in love, we get into a situation and the reason people stay it, it all just kind of, it blends in together. The question of how do we get there, the question continues, why do we stay? In, in finding out that answer. It kind of helps answer the first question as well. And it's because we aren't married or in a relationship with the boogie man. And that is, you know, when we talk to children about stranger danger. That used to be a thing when I was a kid. We had lots of films about, you know, don't take candy from strangers. And we were scared and then we learned over time that what we needed to be teaching our children was in addition to, we need to teach them that it doesn't matter who is touching you or obviously doing these things to you. It's not okay. If it's Uncle so and so, if it's Grandpa so and so. And so we had to teach children to look outside the stranger danger thing.
Tony Covington:Well because, and I'll just add this in here. Um, I've certainly seen it over the years I've been prosecuting 70, 80 percent of sexual assaults are committed by someone known to the victim, especially children I'm talking about now. Like you said uncle, Grandpa, brother, sister, whatever it is. Um, so stranger danger has its place, but that's a minority of the abuse that actually takes place.
Jill Short:And that analogy, just how we're talking about the education we need to give our children to help prevent abuse, we also need to take that into our- I'm talking, I'm a woman, so I'm going to talk predominantly here about women that are in abusive situations, but it applies across the board- but we have to have a different- we have to be educated differently because we're not married to the boogeyman. We're married to someone who the reason we stay, or we're in a relationship rather, we stay because that person isn't always bad. They're not always evil. There is the ugly part. There's the scary parts. And normally people that are in these abusive type relationships, the abuse isn't constant. It ebbs and it flows and the flow is bad. But the ebb is great. And the ebb, every time the abuser comes and has that swooped down and the, you know, the, everything hits the fan. Those are scary times. But then that person comes back around and part of their mechanism now is, oh my goodness, they've done this. Now they have to gather back and it's a cycle and you get in there and you get hooked.
Tony Covington:And you've lived that.
Jill Short:I did, I did. I hooked- I was hooked into that. Now add in religious or cultural beliefs that were taught. And that's why people stay. They see someone, their saying, oh, I want to do better. They see that person being really amazing when they are amazing. Then which one is- Who is it that you're married to or who are you- Who are you in relationship with? Is it the bad guy or, or the or the good guy. The really good guy. So it can become very complicated. It can become very scary. When people have children together, it makes it even harder. Now throw in religious and cultural beliefs. Um, earlier, Tony, I was speaking with you about my upbringing. Um, I had been involved in some sexual abuse as a child. This put me at risk. I had some issues of stuffing how I felt. I believe that it hurt some self esteem that I had for myself as well. I also grew up hearing a story about my grandparents, who, my grandfather was an abusive alcoholic and would beat up my grandmother every weekend. But I grew up hearing that my grandmother was a saint because she put up with him. She stood by him. So this translated out in my life as good people stick with it.
Tony Covington:Right.
Jill Short:You believe in your man, stand by your man, you put up with it. Maybe you're afraid leaving is going to be worse for your children. And I'm just saying like, I, I just have to stay here. That it isn't- it's never okay to put yourself and your children at risk. So that, that brings us to a whole new section of this discussion.
Tony Covington:Sure.
Jill Short:So that, that basically answers why, why people stay.
Tony Covington:Yeah. Um, you know, I have, uh, been railing for years now, as a prosecutor, um, and seeing what's going on and demanding, trying to get resources to help people. I've, I've often say that no one should ever have to stay in an abusive relationship because they don't have some place to go, they don't have the finances to get out of there. There ought to be something somewhere. And I think government-run because, you know, there's some things that government has to do. Okay. I know that private organizations factor on the board of Center for Abused Persons here in Charles County, a great organization that tries to help out as best they can. Um, but the government sometimes has to step in on those things. And domestic violence is one of those because it is so prevalent. People need help and people die if they don't get the help. People die not all the time, but guess what, just because somebody didn't die doesn't mean they should have to stay there. Right. Um, so I've been arguing for, for more resources for shelters and all of that, especially here in Charles County, but everywhere. I mean, there aren't, there, nobody has said that any shelters don't have a full beds and is- what am I going to do with the shelter, you know? We need the resources out there. How do you think we should, well, one, what do you think we need to help us help people get out of these situations and how do we go about getting the resources, at least I think we don't have enough of?
Jill Short:I believe that awareness, awareness, awareness is the one of the main steps. Education. Um, going out and having enough people out in the field, speaking to churches, speaking to communities, speaking to community organizations. I, I know from experience with me, I went through a period of time when we were, I was leaving my abusive situation. I had a very large family. I was, fortunately for a time, I was in a church denomination where the people were pretty kind. Um, I lived in some basements. I was on food stamps. I did all that. Um very, very helpful at the time. I believe that where, um, the community needs to step up is bridging the gap between the people that are undergoing, the victims that are undergoing these domestic violence situations and the, the good people, and I'm using quotation marks to say this, you've got your, the people over here that look out at people that are suffering in domestic violence situations. Something has to be done to bridge this gap and people have to start understanding that it isn't just something that's happening over there. It is their sister-in-law, it is their grandmother, it is their neighbor, it is the person in their church. We think we know them and we don't because it's either- you're either going to out with the real problem and then what are you going to do? Or you're going to live it. You're going to be quiet about it. People only have two choices.
Tony Covington:Right.
Jill Short:Once they let that cat out of the bag, their nest is going to come out of that tree.
Tony Covington:Right.
Jill Short:It's going to get worse and a lot of times people have no idea how to get from that frying pan. How do they get out?
Tony Covington:Well, that's what I, I, I say to people all the time, you know. I guess the public who isn't directly involved in this, they don't have that situation in their family, they kind of think, well, this woman has been in this situation for years and(unintelligible) because of that, she must have some insight into getting out- where to go, you know, what shelters, whatever it is. And I guess by the fact that she is still there, probably tells you that she doesn't have a clue. Um, and for some reason there's a disconnect with everybody on that. So awareness is important on that. You know, they've been trying to pass some laws here lately because we've had a number of horrendous, um, murder-suicides here actually in Charles County this year. And uh, you just mentioned it and I'll just say it more plainly: the most volatile timeframe for the abused person is when they finally do open their mouth. For instance, they go down to the Commissioner's Office and get a protective order. Um, that protective order is about as powerful as the paper it's written on. That's about it. The guy's either going to adhere to it or he is not. And if he doesn't, then really, really bad things can happen. Unfortunately, we had that here. Um, and uh, uh, it's just very difficult for folks at that moment. I'm trying to put together something, I call it a Domestic Violence Escape Team type of situation where, um, where there's real volatility that the government agencies that are responsible to try to help people in this- Department of Social Services, Sheriff's office, our office and private organizations like CAP can be there and actually have somebody come out there and say, hey look, you know, you've taken that first step. This is a real dangerous time. Let's get you out of here. Let's get your kids out of here. Even if it's just temporary for a, a, a cooling off period, if you will. What do you think about that?
Jill Short:I think that's incredibly smart and I also know that, um, raising awareness among religious groups that social services aren't, they're not the enemy is a big, that's a big step too.
Tony Covington:Oh really?
Jill Short:Yes. There is a huge, um, out there among, especially the more extreme and more conservative or religious group gets, social services and the government is looked at as scary because these people know that their child might be taken away, their children could get taken away, so these parents are scared to speak up. And I know for me, and here I am on the other side here, I'm an advocate working. I've worked now for, for quite some time on this other side and it's amazing to realize what the other side from here looks like and people can actually look at social services, policemen. People can be scared and fear plays such a big role of why people don't reach out and get help. They are scared. Like I said, their nest is about to come down out of the tree. They're looking at their volatile partner. What's gonna happen. They're also looking at what is the government or what our social services going to do. Something has to be done to educate the public that these are your friends and that resources are there. People do care. I learned that. I had Christmas brought to me. I had Shop with the Cop, I had people paying my electric bill, I had community outreach... I had people, I had, I woke up one Christmas morning I had, it was two years and there weren't, it was just tremendously hard financially for us because I had been a stay at home mom. What was I supposed to do if I left? What was I going to do? And the community- we woke up Christmas morning, there was presents. I never did find out who did that, but it wasn't my church group. This was another community group. But there is a huge ability that the community has to reach out and put in place these. I think that we need to think outside the box and we need to come up with, like you said, these teams, people that can come in and help. Um, it shouldn't be- people shouldn't have to be alone when they go through this.
Tony Covington:You're absolutely right about that. And the part of the, I don't want to call it a psychosis, but part of what the abuser mind games that they place on the abused is you are alone. I mean, part of it is they isolate the person in the first place from friends and family- you don't have any place to go. You're dumb. You can't get a job. You're not going to be able to support yourself and the kids and on and on and on, which of course contributes to everything. And I think that's part of the awareness that you're talking about, that our community needs to understand that, uh, this just doesn't happen. There are reasons like you say the baggage, the ACES and all that, but also it's a concerted effort by the abuser. He don't want things to change. He wants things to stay the same. Um, and uh, that just contributes to people staying there for longer periods of time. And so, you know, um, I am old enough to, to understand that, uh, there are plenty of people in this world who still say whatever goes on behind closed doors, stays there. I think that's lessening and lessening because we see all the, just because of the nature of our, of our world now because everybody knows everybody else's business with social media and everything else. So quite frankly, that's a good thing that people do care about what's going on in somebody else's house. The hard part is getting people to take a step and help out.
Jill Short:Yes, yes. And you know, today the media is kind of blowing it up a little bit, even more. It's becoming almost a, you know, we're rolling our eyes now when we hear the word domestic violence because it's like my gosh, now what? You know what else? But we just need to keep chipping away. I believe that, um, coming in with a concerted efforts to help victims unlearn what they've learned. I believe, you know, I see so many jump right back into ugly relationships. They get out of one and they go right back into the other. And um, the abusers themselves, the people that are abusing in these relationships, they need help. There's so much that can be done. And I believe that that the community can do so much if we could just get rid of the stigma and if we can just insert ourselves into this as caring citizens, there's so much more that we can do. The laws, there has been so much change in America. Back last year in January, I was able to go and be part of a, uh, domestic violence and child sexual abuse awareness, uh, education program in the country of Cyprus, which is a very small country. Until recently they've had nothing in place, nothing. So I was the first person ever to speak publicly about abuse of the sexual nature that goes on in homes or in with children. It aired on several channels nationally and they in three or four years have gone from having nothing to having more, but they're small, you know, they're small. In America we have 50 states. All the laws are different throughout the states, but if we look at where we've come, where, how far we've come in the past, just since I was a child. You know, when I went through the things as a child that I went through, I had, we didn't talk about it. There was nothing, there was nothing. I never got help. The sibling that abused me never got help. He went on to abuse his own children and is still in prison today. I ended up marrying someone who had been abused as a child. He never got help. We never got help. We were in this horrible relationship. And like I said, he wasn't the boogeyman. This person had great qualities and at this point has gone on- I'm not with him anymore- but has gone on to be a wonderful, you know, he's gone onto to help try to better his own life. I have gone on. There are things, if we could look at this as a proactive wellness approach that if through, through positive help and through, um, deciding that we want to live better. That that's not our identity. I am not a victim. I am a victor that had some really bad things happen to me. And it's a choice. It's a daily choice.
Tony Covington:So Jill, along with some of your projects that you have out there, I certainly have heard and understand that you're getting into our schools, talking to youngsters about domestic violence and dating violence, I suppose. Tell us about that.
Jill Short:Yes. This is something so near and dear to my heart. I feel like, you know- Earlier in our discussion here, we spoke about how do we get here, how do people end up in domestic violence relationships, and it starts a lot of times, these young people today in middle school and high school are already, they can already say that they've experienced that in their own dating relationships.
Tony Covington:Wow.
Jill Short:In finding this out, especially in our county and St. Mary's county this past year with the terrible tragedy with the school shooting that involved, um, dating domestic violence. It is a huge goal of mine as a community member, as an advocate, but also as a partner with the Center for Abused Persons to get into every school, middle school and high school in, in St. Charles, hopefully St. Mary's, Prince George's County and bring to mind to these children that what they're, these relationships that they're having with these young men and women, that is what's setting the stage. And already when I go in and I speak in a high school, it is crazy. The flood afterwards of kids that are 13, 14, 15 years old saying they've already been in a dating relationship that turned bad.
Tony Covington:Wow.
Jill Short:They've undergone physical abuse, they've undergone emotional abuse already at that age. And we've got- That's one thing that we've got to do different in our county, in our community, is raise the bar of what we're teaching our children in our schools. We're scared to use the word domestic violence in schools. Okay, let's come in and let's say it differently. Let's talk about healthy relationships, but in doing so, we must raise awareness with our children that they're getting into relationships and they're just setting the stage for more.
Tony Covington:Well, that goes back to what you said earlier as well. You didn't use this phrase, but I use it all the time: generational.
Jill Short:Yeah.
Tony Covington:Because people are being taught things, so these kids were 13, 14, 15 years old. They're seeing it in their home, the abuser, and of course, and perhaps the victim as well, but also our culture is so violent now. Not that it hasn't always been violent, but there's a lot of violence out there and it's readily available on all the social media and everything that you have and when, when I was coming up, you didn't have all that stuff. And sure the world was a violent place, but you didn't necessarily see it every single day, every minute of the day, or had the potential seeing it because you can get on the Internet and whatever it is. Um, so that's great that you're reaching out to the kids. Um, we try to get into the kids as well. We call it our Think About It campaign. We talk about that, but we talk about successful living. We really don't touch on the domestic violence too much, um, because it's just a little bit- Uh, it's, you know, it's a whole, it's a whole category for itself, but it's also, you know, it's a whole presentation. So we don't really get into it that much. But I'm glad you're out there trying to impact the kids because, let me just give you one stat: They did a study a long time ago about guys on death row, every single one of them had been abused or witnessed violence in their home as children. And every- 100 percent see that violence is a way to try to solve problems and of course it's not. You know that I'm with you and I am happy that you are a victor and I'm very happy that you are out there fighting so hard to lift a whole lot of other folks who are being victimized into survivorship and being victors of their own. Well, I'm going to be fighting with you. We're going to try to, I've been, I've said many, many times, you know, uh, somebody might put their hands on you one time, but that should be it.
Jill Short:Right.
Tony Covington:Because you should be out of there and you should have the resources from somewhere somehow to get out of there and, and deal with it. So we're going to keep fighting for that. I certainly am. And again, I want to thank you for, for being here on our podcast today. This was Jill Short, ladies and gentleman, Domestic Violence Advocate on the board of the Center for Abused Persons here and a great citizen trying to help a whole lot of people and we appreciate you.
Jill Short:Thank you very much.
Tony Covington:And I want to thank all of you for listening today. There's a lot of information on domestic violence, we appreciate Jill Short. If you need to contact Ms. Short, you can contact her at her website, which is alwaysavoice.com. Also, for the Center for Abused Persons, if you have a crisis anytime, 24-7, you can call their crisis hotline 301-645-3336. If you're in a situation or you know somebody who's in a situation, please make sure they have that crisis hotline number. And lastly, please subscribe to our podcast. Be on the lookout for them. We're going to be coming out, I don't know, once a month or so on various topics, all having to do with the law and criminal justice here in Charles. Again, thank you for listening. It's Tony Covington. See you next time.